Crushed Part - 2
 by HandCrushed

Parts 1 2 3 4 5
Rating - Future NC17, currently: R - for language.

Kamui shoved open his bedroom door in annoyance. Not bothering with the overhead light, he deposited the pie on his bedside table, shutting the door behind him. He unbuttoned the over shirt of his school uniform and removed his belt, dropping it gracelessly on the floor. He fished around in his pockets and left loose change on the table, alongside the pie. “Pie,” he thought, half in humor and half in disgust. What would the world think if they knew The Kamui was eating pie in bed while avoiding the only people who could pass for his friends? He sat on the edge of the bed in the half light creeping into the room through the glass doors of his balcony, pulling at his socks. The Imonoyama mansion was certainly elegant, and comfortable, not to mention the logistical benefits inherent in using it as their home. He tossed the socks to the side where they came to rest on the floor beside his belt, and shucked his outer shirt.
He stretched out on the bed. His room was comfortable and peaceful. The solitude was calming, and he felt some of his earlier tension begin to ease. Kamui raised one knee into the air, and, hand still clutching his shirt, brought his arms up above his head to rest on the pillows, letting the fabric drape over his face. Kamui sucked in a deep breath and, after holding it for a moment, blew the air out in a long sigh, relaxing into the mattress. He could feel the warmth of his breath in the shirt over his face. The fabric didn’t hinder his respiration, but it enclosed his head in a warm darkness. He realized that he was tired as much as he hated to admit it. He hesitated for a few more minutes before pulling the shirt off his face with his left hand, leaving it on the unused side of the bed. He swung his legs off the right side of the bed once again, and stood. Kamui unbuttoned and kicked off his pants before twitching back the covers and settling into the cool sheets beneath them. He drew the blankets up almost over his head and buried his face in the soft pillows.

***

When Kamui woke true darkness had fallen over the CLAMP Campus, and his room was filled with deep shadows. He raised his head from the pillows, and with slightly blurry eyes checked the clock on the table at his left. 1:37 am. He’d been asleep for at least several hours. He pushed himself up on his arms, and rose to his knees on the bed, sitting up with blankets falling off his back behind him. Kneeling on the bed Kamui reached out his hand for the lamp, and almost set it in the pie. He’d forgotten about that. He found the lamp and switched it on. Kamui blinked into the harsh seeming light which washed the room in a cheery yellow glow. He leaned back, pulling his legs out from underneath him and re-folded them to sit cross-legged. Lifting the pie from its place on the table he contemplated it for a moment. Banana Cream. He decided that he was a bit hungry after all, but realized that in his rush to leave the other seals behind, he had neglected to grab a fork. He considered eating it with his fingers, but something about that just seemed too pathetic.
Kamui climbed out of bed, and slid his bare feet into the considerately provided house slippers. With the pie in his right hand he maneuvered to the door, and, twisting the knob quietly, moved into the wide hall. In route to the kitchen Kamui took a slight detour leading him past the bedroom of the Sumaragi. Subaru had not yet returned. Kamui wondered what the man could possibly be doing out at this hour of the night, but Subaru had never been forthcoming concerning his personal business. There was enough light in the halls of the mansion for Kamui to make his way back to the kitchen without too much trouble, or calling any more attention to his presence than absolutely necessary. When he reached the kitchen he pulled open several drawers before remembering which one held the silverware, and grabbed himself a small (but likely quite expensive) fork.
Kamui didn’t really want to hang around the kitchen eating his pie past midnight, so he left, and wandered out through the great hall. Looking for a somewhat less conspicuous place, he eventually settled into a window seat with heavy, dark velvet curtains overlooking the front yard of the mansion. The plush cushions and small pillows made it a pleasant place to relax, and Kamui settled back into the shadow of the draperies. He abandoned the house slippers on the floor and crossed his legs, resting the pie on a pillow in his lap. After his first bite he was forced to agree with Yuzuriha, it was, of course, delicious.
Halfway through his third bite, Kamui heard a slight noise from further down the hall. He froze, fork in mouth and listened. He didn’t really feel like having a midnight bonding session with Sorata about his sexual frustration. He slid the fork out of his mouth, and shifting the pie off his lap, sunk silently back into the curtains.
Yes, someone was definitely coming this way. Kamui listened as the footsteps approached, moving softly down the hall. After a moment he could distinguish a dim figure, it was apparent even in the muted light that this was not Sorata … taller, more graceful, that white coat. Got to be Subaru. “Must have come in the back,” thought Kamui vaguely to himself, as he tried to decide what to do. When Subaru was almost upon him, Kamui shifted his weight, sitting up into the faint light drifting through the window to his left.
“Subaru,”he said softly.
Unstartled, the man stopped short and turned his head to regard the boy in the window seat.
“Hello Kamui. What are you doing up this late?” he replied calmly.
Not much ever seemed to permeate the strict calm Subaru had imposed upon himself, Kamui reflected as he tried to decide how to reply to the Sumaragi’s question.
“Uh, I couldn’t sleep, so I came down here … … did you just get back?”
“Yes. Kamui, are you feeling alright? You didn’t seem well at dinner tonight. I meant to talk with you, but I had to attend to some business in town.”
Subaru moved towards the window seat and settled down into the cushions at Kamui’s side. Kamui was so surprised he almost dropped the fork he still held in his hand, before shifting to the side, giving Subaru more space on the small seat. It was so rare for the Sumaragi to show such interest in him, in anyone really. Certainly Subaru was kind, he was flawlessly polite, but he didn’t exactly tend to seek out the company of his fellow seals. Kamui moved the pie plate out of the way and set it, with the fork, back into his lap, lowering his feet to the ground. He placed his left hand on the window sill behind himself and Subaru, and twined the fingers of his other hand into the fabric of the thick curtains. He tried to find the words for what he wanted to say.
“Subaru, I’m alright now, really. I mean, I still … I can’t really believe that she’s … dead. But I’m doing alright. I was just thinking. I’ve been wanting to talk to you too. I still haven’t thanked you for what you did for me that day. I … I don’t know what would have happened to me if you hadn’t been there. And I… I’m so sorry… I just… it feels like I’m fucking everything up and I can’t do anything right. I don’t have the right to try and protect anyone. Everything I touch is ruined…”
The rush of words suddenly stopped, and Kamui realized to whom he was talking. The last thing Subaru needed to hear about was his problems. He didn’t want to make the older man uncomfortable and he tried to compose his chopped thoughts into some semblance of clarity.
“Sorry. … Thank you,”
Kamui stared down at his knees, the pie in his lap mocking his conflicted thoughts and emotions. He was sitting in the dark with Subaru … he didn’t want to talk any more because he knew that if he suddenly burst out in tears it would only make the situation more awkward than it already was. The silence was getting ridiculously long, and Kamui knew he was going to have to say something else soon. Biting his lip he prepared to raise his head and face his embarrassment, but before he could move, he felt a gentle touch on his hand.
Subaru had turned towards him, face concerned, but calm, and covered Kamui’s left hand with his right. Both rested together on the window sill, bathed in moonlight.
“It’s alright Kamui. You don’t have anything to be sorry for. Thank you as well.”
Kamui met Subaru’s eyes, confused. He didn’t know what had prompted the Sumaragi to be so kind to him, considering how worthless he had turned out to be. Torn between his guilt and sadness, and the little, unexpected leap his heart had given at their touch, he didn’t really know what to say. His confusion won out, and he asked, tentatively,
“For what?”
Subaru’s lips twitched into his small, ghost of a smile as he lifted his hand from Kamui’s and brought it to rest in his lap.
“You helped me too, didn’t you know that? I’ve never shown … that … to anyone before, but it helped me to have you see it.”
“But didn’t it just hurt more, to have to see it again I mean…”
Subaru smiled again, softly.
“No more than it does every time I close my eyes, Kamui. My sister died a long time ago. It was the least I could do.”
“Thanks…”
Kamui glanced down into his lap again, encountering the pie.
Well, they could both probably use the distraction.
“I have pie.” Said Kamui, stating the obvious.
“So I see,”
“It’s Banana Cream, it’s really good, Akira-kun made it. You left before dessert… I only have one fork, but if you don’t mind sharing…?”
The smile which now crossed Subaru’s face was slightly brighter than before as he regarded the offered silverware. He raised his hand from his lap and accepted the fork. Kamui steadied the plate on his lap with one hand as Subaru forked a bite of pie, and raised it to mouth level. Glancing past his hand at Kamui he smiled again,
“Akira does make the best sweets. I don’t eat desserts very often…but for Banana Cream I can make an exception.”
Subaru closed his eyes as he slid the pie into his mouth, obviously enjoying the famous cooking skills of Akira. Kamui’s eyes didn’t leave Subaru’s face as he tucked his left leg back up onto the seat between them, resting the plate on his knee.
“It’s pretty good isn’t it?” Kamui asked.
“mmmmm…”Subaru hummed through his mouthful, re-opening his eyes to glance at Kamui.
Subaru ate a few more forkfuls of pie as he and Kamui sat in silence under the drapes enclosing the window. Kamui realized that he hadn’t ever seen Subaru enjoy something like this before. Usually when the Sumaragi ate he only consumed the bare minimum, and, though always complimentary if asked about the quality of the food, he never openly seemed to enjoy anything. After another moment Subaru quietly offered the fork to Kamui who accepted it, and together they finished the remaining pie. When it was gone they sat in silence a moment longer before Kamui set the pie back to the side and turned to face Subaru.
“I don’t know what’s going to happen between now and the final day,” he began before turning his eyes to a vague spot on the floor of the hall.
“But I’m glad, at least, that you’re here. I wish it wasn’t like this, but at least… well … I thought I lost everyone, and everything that was important, but that’s not true… I’m not alone.”
As an afterthought he glanced back at Subaru , adding, “You aren’t alone either.”
He could see the pain which his statement caused in Subaru’s face, and almost immediately regretted that he had said anything. But he didn’t want Subaru to feel like he was by himself, even if Hokuto was dead, and Seishirou… well Seishirou was lost to him as well. He wished he could fill the space that their loss had left gaping in Subaru, the emptiness which was so close beneath the surface.
The moment ended and Subaru gave his head a small shake, blinking his eyes, and turning to look at Kamui again.
“I know…” he almost whispered into the darkness of the hall. They sat a moment longer in silence.
Impulsively Kamui leaned over towards the Sumaragi, and put his arms around Subaru. An echo of the embrace they shared in the dreamscape. After a moment of hesitation, Subaru lifted his arm from the window, and settled it gently around Kamui’s back, resting his left hand along the boy’s waist.
The sensation was so comforting. Kamui realized that he wanted nothing more in that moment but to remain in Subaru’s arms, but he didn’t want to cling to the older man, making him feel awkward, and he didn’t want to have to feel Subaru pull away first.
With an inward sigh Kamui lifted his head from Subaru’s chest so that he could see his face. Subaru’s eyes regarded him calmly, staring down at the boy in his arms, purple eyes visible through the disordered black of bangs which would never stay in place. They sat like that for a moment before Kamui tore his gaze away. He lifted his right hand from around Subaru’s waist and moved it to his shoulder. Sitting up straighter, he moved to press their cheeks together for a moment. He could feel Subaru’s breath tickling his hair and warming his left ear. “ Just one more second,” he promised himself. Taking a deep breath, Kamui moved to press his lips briefly to Subaru’s cheek.
“Thank you,” he whispered into the ear so near his lips, before quickly rising, and turning.
Kamui walked off down the hall in the direction of his bedroom. “Now why did I do that?" He asked himself as he tried not to walk too fast away from the still seated figure of Subaru. As he turned the corner that would lead him to his door he missed the small movement by the window as the Sumaragi slowly raised his hand to touch his cheek while staring after the swiftly retreating Kamui. Safely in his room, Kamui realized in embarrassment for the first time that he had been wearing nothing but a light t-shirt and his boxer shorts the whole time. What could Subaru possibly think of him now? Kamui decided to leave those thoughts until the morning as he collapsed back into his bed, sleep taking him almost at once.

***

Part 3

pitas